


Convincing Garrus

by ArcticGarou



Series: Back Where We Belong [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, F/M, Interspecies Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-18 03:38:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8147867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticGarou/pseuds/ArcticGarou
Summary: For a kink-meme prompt I was going to suggest and ended up filling myself:Shepard is transported from identical universes, except for one important fact; one is a place where she was and stayed with Kaidan, the other she’d moved on with Garrus after the events at Horizon.  In each universe she came from, she’d picked one over the other and caused serious damage to the other friendship, putting their current position on thin ice.  When she comes in to the other universe, the one she remembered the relationship with is very obviously mad at her, not on speaking terms or not even on the Normandy (an option for Kaidan).  Can she prove how she feels, or will she have to come to terms with this new reality, and the feelings she had doubted before.WARNING: This is a Shepard/Garrus story with mentions of previous Shepard/Kaidan, but this is NOT a fic for Kaidan fans (sorry, but I have my preferences).





	1. Chapter 1

My brow furrowed and I started to pull myself from sleep.  There was something wrong about the feeling, though it wasn’t from the usual nightmares.  No, something else was different about it.  The sleep felt far too heavy, like I had been knocked out with a sedative, and as I shifted slightly I felt a weight resting on my side.  It wasn’t uncommon for Garrus to still be in bed when I woke up, screaming or sweating from the memories of Mindoir, the Beacon, the Collector Base, or even the invasion of Earth, but if I had slept so deeply the chances were slim.  That and… it felt too light, too _soft_ … too many finger twitching against my movements!

I was fully awake in an instant, snapping up in my bed and throwing both my hair out of my face and the hand away from me, waking my unwelcome bed-partner.  Able to see the horror clearly around the hastily parted blonde curtain, I almost fell off the bed as I backed away.  His own brown eyes shot open and searched for mine, filled with an almost loving concern as he reached up to rub the sleep from his face.

“Hey.  What’s up?”

“ _Kaidan_?!  What are you _doing_ here?”

His expression quickly turned to one of confusion as he sat up, and _Spirits_ he wasn’t wearing any clothes!  “Shepard, it’s alright.  It must have been another nightmare.”

Ignoring the fact that he was actually talking to me, not screaming like he had been on the Citadel when I’d told him he would be better suited to work on the Crucible, I marveled that he was somehow onboard, in my cabin _without clothes_ , and surprised by _my_ reaction.  Raising a hand to rub my head, suddenly pounding from the influx of information, I realized with a compounding sense of horror that my scared arms were as bare as he was.  We had been intimate before, when we tracked down Saren, and he’d seen all my scars, but it was far too intimate of contact now… after everything.  A reluctant glance down confirmed my worser fear that I was in fact completely naked, besides my hair providing _some_ modesty.

Feeling suddenly sick to my stomach, I clutching the sheets and dragging them up to my chest, trying desperately to remember what had happened while I covered myself.  Then the most horrifying thought of all slipped through my mind, making my face pale and my whole interior turn with nausea.  _Where was Garrus?  Did he know what had obviously happened here?_

“Shepard?”  The fear in Kaidan’s voice was lost on me as I felt his hand touch my arm and I instantly jerked away.  His expression was deeply pained, but my thoughts were focused on Garrus and how I would explain this… this… _whatever_ this was.  Shivering in disgust with myself, I shook the mental images paying in my mind and put the proverbial foot down.

“I’m sorry, Kaidan.  I don’t know what I must have done to mislead you, but this isn’t possible.  I’m with Garrus and right now I need to try and fix whatever damage this must have caused.  I have to get dressed, so you need to leave.”

As I spoke, he made no move to get up _or_ move closer to me, but his expression became even more confused and bewildered.  Finally catching up to my words, his brow furrowed tightly.  “Garrus?!”  I braced myself for the same old argument we’d always had about him, but it didn’t come.  Instead his voice remained even, if only still confused.  “Shepard… we’ve always been together, since the night before Ilos.  You told me you’d grown closer when you went after the Collectors, maybe even enough for you to feel comfortable showing him your scars, but… he’s a _Turian_.”  I bristled at his tone and insinuation, knowing I’d always kept my scars and the story behind them private, but he was missing the venom he’d always had before.  Confused myself, I forced my mind to keep listening as he continued.  “I still have nothing against them, but… Humans should stick with Humans, we’d agreed on that.  That was part of why nothing ever happened between you two.”

The phrase hit me in the stomach like a punch from a Krogan.  I could _never_ have said that.  Not only have I always held deep respect for the Turian culture, Garrus had been there for me when Kaidan wasn’t, he’d always had my back and never doubted me or my intentions.  This was _wrong_ in so many ways.

Shaking my head, not wanting to believe his words, I pulled the top sheet free and wrapped it full around my shoulders as I got to my feet, ignoring how it left him completely naked on my bed.  “I need to talk to Garrus and I need you to leave.”  I caught movement, but I refused to look at him, not wanting to see any evidence of what I had done to betray him so completely.  “Please, Kaidan.”

The movement stopped for a long moment of deafening silence.  Finally I heard him sigh heavily and shift off the bed.  Rustling sounded the search for his clothes, and when they were on he started towards the door.  I watched him go out of the corner of my eye, turning away completely when he looked back at me from the doorway.  Only when I heard it open and close did I risk turning around, making sure he was gone before dropping the sheet and running to my closet.  This _had_ to be a mistake, it didn’t make any sense.  I had chosen Garrus, both when we faced the Collectors together and after picking him up on Mena.  Kaidan getting hurt was hard and I felt responsible, but even that hadn’t changed how I’d felt about him, or his opinion of me.  Why now would he be here saying such things?  After what Garrus and I had promised only days ago on the Presidium.

Nearly stumbling as I worked on my last boot, I practically ran across the room, taking all the stairs in one step.  A flicker caught my eye, as I hurriedly pulled up my hair into a bun, and I turned toward my office in shock, seeing a picture of Kaidan dressed in his Alliance regs smiling at me.  The Illusive Man had placed that there to try and tempt me when I’d been rebuilt, but I’d gone as far as to shatter it after our confrontation on Horizon.  Even the thought of it still stung somewhere deep inside of me, a betrayal I didn’t know how I could have ever forgive.  Why would I ever have chosen him again, even for one night?

Taking a step towards it, I snapped the frame face down once again, shaking my head at whatever stupidity I’d made myself believe, and ducked back out the door.  Practically skidding to a halt outside the elevator, I hit the command before turning my attention to the comms.  “EDI, where’s Garrus?”  I had a feeling I already knew, my hand hovering over the crew deck the moment I stepped inside.

“Garrus is currently in the Forward Battery.”

“Thank you, EDI.”  I jammed the number as hard as I could and waited, tapping my foot harshly against the floor as it finally started to descend.  After an interminably long time, the doors finally opened and I swept out as quickly as I could without breaking into a run.  Ignoring the stares of a few faces that were already in the Mess Hall, not caring for the moment about keeping relationships private, I passed through and practically jumped the stairs up to the gangway.

I didn’t even hesitate hitting the button, still trying to think how I would explain this… horrible mistake.  It was almost an instant relief to see his familiar armor-clad form standing at his console, no matter what it was I’d come to tell him.  Stepping inside his work space was always like a weight off my shoulders, but the door closing behind me had an oddly finality feeling to it.

“Did you need something, Commander?”  My blood instantly turned to ice.  Not even using my last name, he was definitely furious and I had no right to blame him, even if I had no idea how it’d happened.

“Garrus, I know I messed up.  It may be hard to believe, but I don’t even remember why he was up there.  But I know I never meant to do _anything_ that would hurt you!”

“Isn’t it a little late for that?  You made your choice.”  He didn’t even turn around.  I could feel everything slipping through my fingers and I tried desperately to grasp for it.

“But what about what he said on the Citadel?  It may not look like it right now, but it meant _everything_ to me!”

“I don’t know what you’re taking about, _Commander_.”  His armored hands didn’t even break stride on his calibrations and I felt the punch in my gut shift to a knife in my heart.  Was he giving up on me so easily, after… after everything?

“Garrus, you can’t be serious…”  There was still nothing, no reaction at all from him and I could feel tears trying to fight their way to the edge of my eyes.  I knew I was stronger than this, but it was always because he was there to keep me grounded, keep me from losing my mind.  There was only one thing I could think to say, that might somehow change his mind.  “I wasn’t lying.  I love you.”

“ _What_?!”  He finally spun on me and I almost wish he hadn’t, his eyes were bright with anger, talons flexed wide on his hands, menacing even with his gauntlets on, and it took conscious effort not to back away from him.  “ _How_ can you say that to me?”  Confusion was trying to surface in his expression and his sub-vocals, but his anger brushed it aside too easily.  “After all of this, after everything he put you through; what he said on Horizon, the messages, the doubt, pulling a _gun_ on you.  And still you kept waiting for him to come back.  Even after we had gotten so close, you just pushed me aside like garbage, saying you were going to _wait for him_.  And now you suddenly want to change your mind?!”  Now I did back away, not wanting to believe any of his words, but they were the same as what Kaidan had said… while laying naked in my bed.

It was suddenly so obvious… yet completely impossible.  I had finally gone insane, I was trapped in a coma I couldn’t wake from during another horrible nightmare, or this was some kind of alternate reality where my choices had been different.  There had been doubts and fear at first, about whether or not we were compatible enough for it to work, but we had overcome those together.  If this was a dream, or even some other reality, there could still be a way to fix it.  Grasping again at my only option while he glared down at me, I held open my hands in as pleading a gesture as I could manage.

“You won’t even give me the chance to prove it to you?”

He expression shifted instantly to surprise, followed closely by disgust, and that stung even more than his words.  “It’s too late, Shepard.  Because of what you’ve done for the Turians, I’ll keep helping you with this war.  But that’s it.  I can’t give you any more than that.”

My heart fell completely, making me instantly numb to everything around me.  Without another word, he turned back to his console and resumed his work as if I’d never even walked in.  Everything we’d shared, both in my cabin and on that support beam high over the Presidium, the awkward vids and his ‘one Turian kind of woman’… none of it had ever happened for him and there was nothing I could do to prove it was real.  A piece of me, preserved by him when I had doubted myself the most, after Horizon and Kaidan’s words had nearly broken me, now shattered completely.  It was all I had in me to turn and walk out the door and leave him, because I knew it was for good.  His decision was final and I would never get him back, but when the door sealed behind me, there were no tears.

I still had a job to do and it had to be done.  My personal life was not what was important here… my _life_ wasn’t important.  I could simply put everything I had into this mission, there was no need for me to survive it now anyway.  As drastic as it sounded, somewhere in the active part of my brain, it was the only thing keeping me from falling apart.  Whether or not he did, there were other people, thousands upon thousands of people and worlds out there that needed me.  What right did I have to wallow in self-pity when they were out there dying at the hands of the Reapers?

All of that rushed through my mind and came to its own conclusion by the time I reached the end of the gangway.  I caught sight of Tali, only just arrived back on board yesterday with the other Quarian Admirals, rising from a chair to try and grab my attention, but I simply walked past her.  If this was the universe I was living in now, if I had really said all those things to him… what would _she_ think of me?  If I stopped to find out, I could lose my nerve.  No, I had to keep my mind on the mission, myself buried in my work, just like I should have from the start.  I had already risked enough time and lives for even just a moment of my own happiness.  It was a luxury I should never have taken at their expense.

Heading up to the CIC and War Room, I threw myself into whatever I could get my hands on.  It wasn’t until my eyes started to droop that I noticed how many long hours had passed.  Only the third time Joker, EDI, and even Traynor suggested rest did I finally give in, and under their threat of summoning Doctor Chakwas to force me.  There was still more to be done, missions and requests from the Alliance and many other faceless sources that needed my attention, but they were right; I was no use to anyone if I could barely keep my eyes open.  But it seemed my resolution would be tested once again before the day was over.

As I stepped off the elevator, I found Kaidan leaning against the wall looking nervous.  Shifting to a restrained excitement when he looked up and saw me, he pushed off the wall to stand between me and my doorway.  My mind instantly flashed to standing between me and Udina, my target, on the Citadel when Cerberus was attacking everyone around us.  But I had to push the thought aside; it was over and done with, and there were far more important things that needed to be taken care of.

But by his expression and tone of voice as he said “Shepard,” I knew he wouldn’t leave without me hearing him out.  He smiled again when I stopped, but I did not return the gesture, so he jumped right into what he had clearly been practicing to say.  “You’ve, ah, been so busy all day, I-I was hoping we could talk about what happened this morning.”

“I’m sorry, Kaidan, I can’t.”  Blunt honestly.

“Oh.”  His expression fell further and his shoulder drooped to match, one hand rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly the same way I remembered Garrus doing a few times, the memory bringing another touch of pain.  I bit it back down, trying to keep control on my emotions until I could get him to leave.  “You’re right, you’re… probably tiered after working so long without a break.  Maybe we can talk tomorrow.”

I held in my sigh of frustration, knowing this wouldn’t be over until I said _something_.  “No, Kaidan.  I can’t do any of this.”  His eyes snapped back up to mine, wide with surprise and confusion.  “Whatever you thought was happening between us, I can’t feel that way about you.  There is a war going on and that is where my focus needs to be, so I’ll ask that you leave.”  I gesture towards the elevator but he didn’t move, possibly frozen in shock.  I wanted to get angry, to remind him of how much he’d hurt me with his words and actions, his blatant mistrust, but it would only make him more confused and unnecessarily hurt.  And as angry, hurt and numb as I was or had been, whatever pain I’d already caused Garrus, I couldn’t bring myself to take it all out on him.

But watching his expression now, I saw the confusion fading and a distinct trace of that anger I had become so accustom to from him started bleeding in.  “Is this about Garrus?”  I couldn’t help straightening up defensively at his tone, something else I remembered doing a lot in whatever other world only I could remember.  It was obviously all the answer he needed.  “How can you suddenly decide you feel so much for him?  It’s not _natural_ , Shepard!  How can you throw everything we have away for _him_?”

Most of his words were spoken out of anger, not understanding any of what was happening to us, and no matter what I’d done in the battery or what I’d decided, I couldn’t just let him talk like that.  “Garrus is a good man who’s always had my back, apparently even when I treated him like crap.  But this isn’t about him, and it’s not about you or me.  It’s about this war and what I have to do to make sure the Reapers are defeated.”  Bringing that thought back into the front of my mind, I turned to walk around as he tried to speak again.  “I think you need to find another place to stay, Kaidan.  I’ll give you a minute to grab your things.”

Stepping past his dumbfounded expression, I hit the control to open my door and waited for him to move.  My eyes focused solidly on the opposite wall, refusing to look at him, but I could feeling him simply staring at me.  It didn’t matter what it made me look like, I couldn’t meet his eyes and get emotional, not backing down or taring forward like I wanted to.  It wasn’t about me anymore, I had to take myself out of the equation and focus on what had to be done.  I wouldn’t be able to focus or hold down the anger I remembered so clearly if he stayed and tried to play house.

Finally he stepped past me and into the room.  After a short pause in my office, possibly noticing the upturned frame, I could hear a few data pads being shifted, the bathroom door opening and a drawer of the closet opening and closing.  Another few more moment of silence and I could hear his laden footsteps crossing back towards where I stood fast at the door.  Just outside, he stopped again, arms filled with a small bundle of things, but before he could utter a word I turned towards the ceiling.

“EDI will you please reset the locks on the captain’s quarters.  Only myself or the Doctors…” I paused in an instant of agonizing pain as I remembered again that Mordin was gone.  “Doctor Chakwas has entry.”

Hardly a moment later and she responded.  “Locks are reset, Shepard.”

“Thank you.”  I forced myself to look at his tear-strained eyes one finale time before turning into my cabin alone.  “Good night, Kaidan.”

I didn’t leave time for an answer, closing the doors behind me as soon as I was through them.  It may have been harder than I needed to be, even when I’d been so hurt by him, but I had to put such selfish notions aside.  Besides the sense of empty and numb, I found a single emotion to latch onto.  Patience, or more precisely the lack of it, directed solely at myself.  I needed to sleep so that I could wake up and get back to the mission.  There was little time to be wasting on myself, my needs and my feelings.  As long as I won the war… who the _fuck_ cared what happened to me.


	2. Chapter 2

Everything was all business; debriefs with the crew, the squad or even the Alliance.  They still had jobs for me to do, even as we waited for the Quarians to come up with the location of their first major target, all so we could include them in our war assets.  My lack of patience was transferring to them after several days of nothing, but it was difficult to speak to Tali so that blame was mine as well.  Despite how I tried, it built up frustrations and I felt it leaking out of me on the field, especially in the provided company.  My choices were limited, noting wanting to deal with questions from Kaidan, or force Garrus to go with me and protect my ass once again.  Not talking with Tali eliminated her, and Liara was often too busy with more important Shadow Broker missions to help with Alliance missions or attacking small Cerberus hubs.  Joker didn’t like EDI’s body going on missions, and I felt it was important not to deny the crew just because I was such a fool.  That left me with James and Javik whenever I went planet-side; at least I could count on colorful commentary and no shortage of hostile rage.

When we were on ship I could feel the difference too; Kaidan watching me wistfully, Garrus watching the both of us with growing confusion, and everyone else avoiding conversation with me almost entirely, unless it had bearing on the mission.  What was there to say?  Every day more and more people died and I wasn’t doing every possible thing I could to stop it.

Finally, after a week on board of negotiating and dancing around the issue, I snapped at the Quarian Admirals, demanding a target to attack in their futile and ill-timed war with the Geth over their Homeworld.  Of course it was something that they felt had to be done _now_ , forcing us to fight two wars at once, especially since the Geth had turned towards the Reapers for advanced tech to help their own efforts against the Quarians.  We finally had a heading and I hastily agreed, not having the patience for it.  But as we neared the Dreadnought I found Tali in my landing party… of course.  I hadn’t thought that one through, but it was even more of a surprise when Garrus stepped up, all but demanding I take him along as well.  Perhaps it shouldn’t have been a surprise, both of them having been with me chasing Saren and followed me into the deepest depths of the Collector’s ship.  I couldn’t say no, but quickly strangled down the part of me that was thrilled with his want to go anywhere with me, and kept my focus on the mission.

The walk across the broken tube was brazen and I almost wished to be spaced again with the floating debris, thought that would hardly help in the war efforts.  But through bordering masochistic perseverance, I made it across intact before the tunnel broke completely and had to find my way to another docking tube for the team to follow.  Unlocking it from a console and allowing them to cross, I was surprised when Garrus quipped at me when he came through the doors, but I ignored it in favor of moving towards our objective.  It seemed to startle him _and_ Tali, but I pushed on ahead and we quickly ran into Geth.  They opened fire, though after invading their ship it shouldn’t have been a surprise, and I found a dark sort of appreciation for something to shoot at.  It felt as right for us to fight together as it did strained, so I focused more on following Tali’s instructions to get through the ship to the area broadcasting the Reaper’s signal.

Their conversation continued forward as we did, through their jokes and comments in my direction died down.  They almost seemed to lag behind, but I didn’t let it slow me down, even charging forward through an EMP burst, almost frying my shields and Omni Tool on the spot.  Finding a console to temporarily disabling the pulse, I rushed them through, only just diving out of the way when it rebooted and resumed its pulsing.

“That was reckless, Shepard!”  Garrus’ dual tones were upset and confused, along with several other emotions I didn’t care to label, so I ignored him and pushed on.  It was a strange kind of relief to find Legion at the center of things, though it only sparked more questions, and more problems when we were able to stop the signal.  The Geth ships stopped firing, and despite our warnings or presence aboard the ship, the Quarian fleet opened fire.  Legion helped us all escape in a small Geth ship, making it out just as the ship exploded behind us, and returned to the Normandy as the rest of the Geth ships were similarly destroyed.  Back on board, I lost the remainder of my patience and threw a fist into Admiral Gerrel’s stomach, nearly costing me the aid of their fleet.  Some smooth talking by Tali and another one of the Admirals kept them from leaving, but I retreated myself to my cabin and locked the doors.

It was after a shower that I was sitting at my desk, hair still hanging in a thick damp curtain around me as I only half paid attention to drying it.  My attention was locked almost entirely on the war-filled data pads scattered across my desk, not caring about the rapidly cooling water soaking into my regs.  A sour sounding chime at my door signaled a failed attempt at entry.  I could just barely hear EDI’s voice through the heavy door.

“ _I’m sorry, only Shepard and Doctor Chakwas are granted free access to the Captain’s Quarters_.”  Rising from my chair and grabbing one of the less picked-over data pads, I started down towards my secondary desk by my bed side, intent on ignoring whoever it was in from the darker corner until EDI’s voice rang through my cabin.

“Shepard, Garrus is requesting entry to your cabin.”  I stopped mid-step, practically falling over as I turned back towards the door, imagining the many times I remembered him walking through it unheeded by the locks.  Swallowing once, I held my voice steady.

“Let him in, EDI.”

Immediately the doors opened to reveal Garrus, still clad in his armor from the mission.  Scuffs and a few burn marks from enemy fire surprised me, not even scrubbed down yet as he stalked towards me.  _Turians first assess their weaponry after battle, then their armor_ , he’d told me.  _It is a matter of pride, and nothing besides an emergency comes before it.  We must always be ready._   That he would come here before even starting to clean it brought a hopeful lump up into my throat.  But why would I be seen as an emergency?

“Shepard, what’s wrong with you lately?”  The lump crashed back into my stomach at his angry tone, making me feel slightly sick, and I turned away wishing I’d left the door closed.  “This isn’t like you, shooting first and asking question later, risking a potential alliance like that?”  He must have spoken to Tali already; they must have been closer than I thought they were.  “I tried talking to Kaidan, but he rarely comes out of the observatory anymore.  Says he doesn’t know, but I’m not sure if I should believe him.”  My spine straightened at the name, but I couldn’t fight the compulsion to turn and look at him with wide eyes.  He was worried enough to try and talk to _Kaidan_?  But was this concern for me or for the mission?

I forced myself to turn away again, hiding my shifting emotions behind my heavy, damp hair once again.  But if we had never been together I guess there wasn’t a point, he wouldn’t know all the finer details of my moods here.  “I’m fine, Garrus.  It won’t happen again.”

A short, hard growl of anger and I tried not to flinch involuntarily.  “You call that an answer?”  I turned further away from him, crossing the rest of the way to my desk and setting down the data pad.  “Do you expect us to just ignore what’s going on with you?  They are your friends, Shepard!”  I turned again, catching his eyes around my hair.  _They_ , not _us_.  He clammed back up as he watched me, but stood a little straighter.  “I was too, once.”  Maybe he could read me better than I thought, the tears instantly pushing up through my careful control.  His own widened in shock when he saw it, but I turned the blonde curtain on him again, not wanting to know what his reaction would be.

“Shepard…” he hesitate and I let myself indulge in the softer sound of my name on his voice, though not the more intimate way I missed.  “Maybe we could try again,” hope welled for an instant, “we might be able to be friends again.”  And it died again.  “Just tell me what’s going on, let us help you.”

I let my head hang forward, trying to stop myself before the truth came bubbling out again.  But I had been holding it back for what seemed like so long now, I just wasn’t strong enough… not on my own.  “I already told you, Garrus.  You didn’t believe me, so here we are.”

Silence.  He didn’t even shift his feet like he often did when he was thinking.  Shock, maybe confusion, but I wouldn’t dare turn around to find out.  Finally a shrill sound of anger broke the silence moments before his voice did, the tone was definitely not what I’d been hoping for.  “ _That’s_ what this is about?  You’re trying to tell me, you are jeopardizing the war because you changed your mind on _what_ you wanted in your bed and I turned you down?  Have you really become so selfish to want _both_ of us at your beck-and-call?”  I flinched at his phrasing, knowing whatever I’d said to him, before all of this, had hurt him deeply.  Maybe too deep to mend if he only now was suggesting friendship again.

I didn’t turn around, holding back the sigh to try and keep my shoulders high even as my head drooped further.  “It won’t happen again.  Please tell the others I’m fine.”  More silence, finally broken by heavy, angry footsteps retreating from the room.  Finally my shoulder slumped and I dropped into my chair, my eyes overflowing as I collapsed against the desk and slipped into a damp but welcome darkness.

My shoulders were still stiff when I met with the Admirals again, apologizing for my poor handling of the situation.  They had reached the surface of their Homeworld, but some ships less gracefully than others.  One that crash landed was carrying Admirals Koris, who was the leader of the civilian fleet.  Without him, the whole armada would be thrown into chaos and any peace that might be possible would instead be lost.

Immediately mounting a rescue, Garrus insisted on going with me again, alongside James.  He probably didn’t trust me anymore, wanting to watch me closely to insure I didn’t endanger the mission again.  Javik was not interested in revisiting the synthetic reminders of his own people’s past, if he could help it, so the team was set.  Cortez was forced to ditch-drop us under heavy fire so we could get close enough to take out two anti-aircraft guns and a comm signal jammer.  Only then were we able to reach the Admiral and learn his position.  But he wouldn’t give it up easily.  He tried to convince us to save his men instead of him, they were civilians and not likely to withstand the Geth that were closing in on them.  I glanced at Garrus for a moment, but not lingering before I pressed him harder, reminding him how many more would be lost if he didn’t make it out alive.  Finally receiving his reluctant coordinates, I mounted a Gatling style gun out the open hatch of the Kodiak, taking aim at the Geth suppressing his position.

While Cortez was able to avoid most of the heavy arms fire, I cleared him a path and kept up our own suppressing fire to the edge of the cliff.  Dropping low enough for him to jump for it, we saw another dropship swing through over our heads, setting down more forces with heavy artillery.  For him to get safely aboard we had to maintain position, which left us an open target.  I took aim, but it wasn’t soon enough, a missile streaking in to the Kodiak and struck the ceiling just behind me.  The concussion hit my back with such heat and force, I was thrown into the body of the gun, jamming it.  My whole upper body screamed with existing and compounded pain as the Admiral finally jumped aboard and the mechanics pulled me back into the shuttle.  He made a desperate attempt to find his men, but they had already been overrun by the Geth troops, their mechanical chatter filling the broken comm signal.

“I pray they found comfort in the Homeworld’s skies.”  I attempted to express my sorrow for his loss, but it came out as a pained grunt.  The arm in less pain was still gripping the chair of the gun tightly as my back continued to burn as if on fire.  “Commander Shepard?”  He was on his feet again quickly, running to my side as my vision spun.  “Commander?!  She’s been injured!”  I let out an agonizing scream as I felt familiar three-fingered hands take hold of my searing shoulders and I crumpled into blackness.

I knew I wasn’t dead, I was in too much pain.  It was fighting through whatever medication they put me on, and telling me in no uncertain terms that I was alive.  I was sure my cybernetics helped keep me that way, as well as aiding my healing, but it had been far too close and the thought of never seeing Garrus again was unbearable.  Whether he hated me or not.  All I wanted was for him to hear me out, to let me prove how I felt to him, but it was a selfish notion.  There wasn’t time to tell him everything I loved about him, and to take the time to try would only cost us more lives.  But, I suppose, as long as I could still say his name, I could take little joy in that.  I was thankful for my imagination answering the call with the feeling of his hand slipping into mine, without his customary armor.  I stroked the underside of his knuckle, along the edge of the plating, something he’d shown me late at night that eased his smaller stresses, like a pressure point would on Humans.  They were so large, compared to mine, but I had always loved them.  And the texture of rough and cracked sued was like coming home.

I was sad when I could feel myself coming back around, because I knew the feeling would fade with the dreams; ones that had been kind to me for a change.  But the more I came to the more real it felt, until I gripped it tightly and it gripped me back.  I allowed my eyes to open and turned, finding him in a chair beside the medical bed I was laid upon.  His elbow was up on the bed near my hip, far enough away not to disturb the fabric of the medical garments, while his hand was wrapped firmly around my own.  I could only stare at the joining for a few minutes, wondering first what he was doing in the Medical Bay, and second why he had taken off his gloves to touch me.  Off of Palaven it was considered almost an intimate gesture, or at least only among friends or other Turians.  Yet here he was doing it freely with me while I slept.

Had I finally come truly home?

“Doctor, she’s awake.”  I gripped his hand harder, hoping beyond what I knew was possible that this had somehow reversed and I was back to where everything still made sense.  “Hello, Shepard.  You had us worried for a little while.”  When my eyes found his, they stayed locked there, even as he turned to the Doctor when she spoke.

“You had some damage to your armor and to your skin weave, as well as one dislocated shoulder and another broken one.  All are mostly healed, in no small thanks to your cybernetics.”  She paused in her explanation, leaning slightly more into my view, but I kept my eyes locked on Garrus’.

“How long have you been here?”

His eyes seemed surprised, but also softer, more like I was used to.  “Fairly often for the last two days.”

I risked a small smile and it looked like he was about to return in when Chakwas interrupted.  “ _You’ve_ been here for three almost four, if you’re interested.  And Kaidan was in for a short time, but he… uh, left after a few hours.”

Instantly my smile faded, even as I kept looking at Garrus.  Kaidan had been here?  Then I _was_ still in this different version of myself, the one that had made all of those horrible choices and nearly cost us the war.  Pulling my hand free of Garrus’, I brought both up to cover my face, ignoring the painful pulling in both my arms.

“Now, now.  You need to rest your shoulder for at least another day before it’s completely healed, it was _broken_ after all.”  I lowered my arms like a dutiful patient, but kept my eyes now trained on the ceiling.  Hoping wasn’t fair and whishing was a waste of time for everyone.

“Thank you for coming in Garrus.  I’m sure you have other, more important thing to be doing.  Please tell everyone I’m fine and we’ll be back to the fight as soon as I’m released.”  My eyes stayed on a dot above me, a screw or speck or something, _anything_ to keep from seeing the same hateful look on his face again.  Why had he even stayed with me, forcing himself to endure such pain; it wasn’t fair to either of us.  I could feel the tears trying to well up again and I hoped he would leave before I lost control of them.  The long moment dragged on until I finally heard him rise and turn towards the door.

“Keep us updated, Doctor.”  _Us_ , not _me_.  I almost sobbed then, biting hard on my lip to hold it in.

“I will Garrus.”  The door opened and closed, followed by a quiet, flabbergasted sigh.  “Don’t know what the cold shoulder was for,” there was a laugh hidden in her voice for her own pun, “especially after you’d been calling his name ever since proper meds made it into your system.”

My eyes snapped open for their focus, letting loose a tear that trekked straight back into my hair line as I turned to look at her.  “I’ve been calling for him?”

Her eyes met mine with a mix between confusion and astonishment.  I didn’t wipe at the tear stain, hoping she would not have seen in.  Finally she shook her head, turning back to open her Omni Tool, her voice almost exasperated.  “Of course.  Why else do you think Kaidan stopped coming by?”  My gaze wandered as she started on her scans, my mind caught between berating myself for causing him more distress, even if it was subconsciously, and listening to her as she continued.  “Everyone thought the two of you were so close, but clearly we misjudged your taste.  Still, Garrus is a fine man and he’s always been fond of you.  At least until that falling out you two had before the Omega 4 Relay, but I’m glad to see you’re working it out.”  I felt out of breath, my heart starting to hammer away at my chest as she tried to get even basic readings.  “Alright, Commander, it’s been a hard couple of days.  Why don’t you get a little more rest, otherwise I’ll have to put you under again.”  Closing my eyes, I forced myself to hold my next breath and let it out slowly, managing a small nod before she powered down and gave me some space.

All but healed she released me the next day, returned to my regs and hair up in a bun with strict instructions to eat a hardy meal, having gone several days without more than an IV.  It was also a possibility that the Doctor was simply sadistic, as it was obviously time for the mid-day meal and half the crew was already there.  Part of me felt badly when Kaidan looked up at everyone’s excited exclamation, a pained and broken look on his face.  He immediately got up and deposited a still fairly full tray in the compactor before leaving the Mess entirely.  But my attention was stolen as others greeted me warmly, glad that I made a full recovery so quickly.  James practically jumped up, offering me an empty seat next to him, that happen to be directly across from Tali and Garrus.  I met his eyes before I dared to move, not wanting to impose upon him any further, but the flash of a smile from his fluttering mandibles almost sent me reeling.

A laden tray was placed in my hands and I was ushered towards the seat.  James’ own heavy ones on my still tender shoulders dropping me into the chair as the conversation rose again, filling the space pleasantly.  Unable to help myself, I risked a subtle glanced at Garrus and found his eyes already watching me, filled with an understanding I wasn’t prepared for.  Instantly I shifted to Tali, asking about how the fleet was doing with Admiral Koris back aboard.  I forced myself to pay attention to her answer, both important to the war effort and keeping me from any false sense of hope that his expression might cost me.

I kept quiet, not trusting what I might say, instead just listening to the conversation.  Eventually it shifted from the war to a more bantering tone between James and Garrus, bragging about their different exploits.  My gut twisted on itself when Garrus bragged about helping to take down Saren, only to have it disqualified by James because he had done that with me.  That had been the start of our friendship, but as fondly as he might remember it, he’d avoided the Collector Base after the me here rudely turned him down.  They had continued their competition until Cortez came by and pulled James away, saying he needed his help with something in the Cargo Bay.  When Tali rose suddenly, claiming she’d promised to help Adams after the break, I snapped up awkwardly, finding myself alone with Garrus.  A less than covert look around the Mess Hall proved we were the only two left in the room.

The food I’d been picking at suddenly felt sour in my stomach and I made a less than graceful move to rise and remove myself.  Halfway from the chair, tray in hand, his voice stopped me cold.  “How did you know that trick?”  I was frozen awkwardly, my eyes locked suddenly on the very icy blues I’d been avoiding.

“I-I’m sorry?”  It was a lame response, as well as a confession of sorts, but I was floored by the expression in his eyes.  There was none of the anger or pain I’d been the cause of, only a curiosity and kind of understanding that made my spine tingle in a way that forced me back into my seat.

“That spot on my knuckle.”  His raised his hand and tapped the spot with his thumb through his gauntlet.  “Even in your sleep, you seemed to find it by heart.  It’s not something Turians usually share with other races lightly.”  His hand dropped slowly, taking away my only distraction for his gaze, still boring into me.

“I… uh, well…”  I’d never been one for stammering, but I didn’t know what to say.  Both times I’d tried to tell him the truth, he hadn’t believed me and hated me for it.  I’d done well removing myself from the equation, but if I was forced to go through that again… I feared my strength wouldn’t last me, so instead I avoided it, albeit clumsily.  “It must have just been a coincidence.”

His response was a low rumble, which sounded suspiciously like disbelief, but his eyes seemed almost humored by my fumbling.  It was enough of a relief that I finally looked away and moved to leave my chair again.  Unimpeded this time, I grab my tray and turned toward the compactor, trying to excuse myself.  “I should be getting back to the CIC and see what I’ve missed the last few days.”

“Actually,” I was halfway to the kitchen and then the relief of the elevator, but I couldn’t force myself to leave.  “I could use some of your advice if you have time.”

I turned again, disbelieving that he would _want_ to talk to me about _anything_ , but he still sat there with the same look on his face.  It was difficult to keep from trembling, but there was nothing that I’d promised myself that would keep me from agreeing.  “Uh, sure.  When would you like me to come by?”

He shrugged his shoulder, just how he always had, and rose from his own chair.  “Now’s good, if you don’t have anything more important to do.”  There was a subtle tone to his sub-vocals and a twitch in his mandibles that he just couldn’t hide, giving away a slight humor to his words.  It was as if he knew what my answer would be, as sure as I knew I still couldn’t refuse.

Instantly, upon that realization, I had to snap my mouth shut before I admitted to something horrifying.  _Nothing_ in the galaxy at this time, war or no, was more important to me than a few spare minutes with him.  It came with a sudden self-disgust, at the lives I could and should be saving, but standing even this close to him now was grounding.  He had been my support through everything, made me feel able to keep pushing no matter who we’d lost or how much I felt like dying… again.  If there was a chance to get even the slightest bit of that back, I’d already convinced myself, it might be of benefit to this war.

A quiet trill sounded and I refocused back on his face.  He almost looked concerned as he watched my own expression, possibly trying to interpret what it meant.  I took another breath, in order to not make a fool of myself, and tried for nonchalance.  “Yeah, sure.”

I recognized the relieved smile as his mandibles shot out, but he pulled them back in quickly.  Then his head nodded down at my hands and I followed the gesture, finding that I was still white-knuckling my tray.  I could feel my face heat slightly as I crossed the rest of the space and disposed of it properly.  When I turned again he was still there, waiting for me; one of his arms lifting to gesture towards the gangway.

It took even more effort to keep my steps even as I moved to follow him.  A shift of regulation blue drew my attention for only a moment, but the sight of Kaidan rounding the wall between Mess and Medical couldn’t stop me from following Garrus back into his space.  I hadn’t been back since I first found myself in this situation, not wanting to make anything worse than I already had.  Now I found myself nervous again as the door closed behind me, feeling like I remembered he had after I first suggested we blow off steam together.  He, however, looked calm and collected, like everything was going exactly how he’d planned.  It was the opposite of what it had been and I had to fight to keep my focus on what he was saying.

It had all been things he could have done or decided by himself, that much was obvious, but it was the conversational tone that spoke bounds to me.  When I had been here before, he had called me Commander, it had been formal and strict like regulation mandated.  Now we were speaking as equals, the Commander and the Expert Reaper Advisor trying to push back the enemy tide.  There was no command and reluctant acceptance, but discussion and planning for the best possible move.  He knew what he was doing, he had gained the confidence, and I felt so proud of him, I’d almost forgotten where we were.

Only when he shifted to reach for a different data pad, and I almost stumbled as I instinctly leaned after him to maintain contact, did I find I had been brushed up against his arm leeching his radiating heat.  It had been a normal compulsion for me in these small moments together, always wanting to be closer to him when we were alone, but in our current situation… yet he had not pulled away at the contact.  Nor did he keep away after retrieving the pad, sliding right back in next to me and continued on the discussion like it had been nothing different.  When I shifted myself away, not wanting to risk any more hope than renewed friendships, the expression that found me was confused again.

“What’s wrong, Shepard?”

I forced myself to take another step, putting an arm’s length between us before squaring to face him fully.  “What’s happening here, Garrus?  I… I don’t understand.”

His stance instantly relaxed and I almost grew frustrated that he was so much more at ease than I was.  Was this how he had felt in my other memories?  “We’re trying again.  Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Yes!”  The word was out before I could stop myself and his mandibles fluttered in another smile.  “I… I do, but I don’t… I can’t…”  He stepped closer to me and I fumbled to say something, _anything_ before I lost my nerve.  “I have to keep my focus on the war.  So many people are counting on me, on _us_.  This isn’t the time for…”  It died on my lips, not wanting to admit what I couldn’t help myself form wanting, only to have it crushed so quickly.

His expression was concerned, but also doubtful of my words as he reached a hand towards me, resting it on my shoulder in the familiar manor of friendship.  We had done this since the first Normandy, chasing after Saren, and the memory of it brought tears to the corners of my eyes.  “There is so much weight resting on you, on these shoulders; it would do you good to share the burden.  Let someone try to help you while you help the galaxy.”

My mind was running wild at the suggestion, remembering all the ways we’d done that, and had promised to again.  But this gesture was of friendship, so I tried desperately to reign the thoughts back in, to bottle my excitement and direct it towards the enemies we faced every day.

“I’ll… I’ll think about it.”  His expression fell just slightly, but it could have been my still hopeful imagination.  “I should probably go and see how things are with Legion.  The Admirals have been trying to convince me they should take him apart and study him before I was confined to the Med Bay.”  With a slight nod, he squeezed my shoulder once more before dropping his hand.  But as I turned to leave his space I remembered something we’d discussed before our most remembered dock on the Citadel.  “Oh, Garrus.”  He turned to look at me again from his console.  “Did you hear from your family again?  I know you were worried about them being allowed to board the evacuation shuttles because of Solana’s broken leg.”

His eyes were instantly huge and his mandibles slacked as he looked at me and I suddenly feared the worst.  My heart almost stopped in the long moments it took him to answer me.  _Were they left behind?  Did the Reapers reach them before they got out?_   “How… did you know about that?”

Confusion gave way to a painful realization, which only cemented the insanity I was trapped in.  If we had not been on friendly terms, I would probably not have been in the battery during the conversation with his family.  My mind started racing for an excuse, anything to avoid making him believe I was crazy again.  “Oh… um, Joker… must have mentioned it.”  His expression shifted just barely, but I knew he didn’t believe me.  I could practically see all of the statistics suddenly running across his visor, reading my body language and telling him the truth.  But I already knew how dangerous the truth was, so I kept hoping.

“It was a private, secured channel, Shepard.”

_Shit_ …  I floundered, none too proud of the tense and slightly pained sound that escaped my throat before I was able to break his shocked and confused stare.  Without trusting myself to say anything else, I turned and quickly left the Battery.  I was thankful that the doors stayed closed behind me, not sure what his reaction would be when his own mind finally settled on whether or not I was crazy.  Even better was the fact that Legion actually had information that I could focus on, putting my own problems to the back of my mind.


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, so this plan hadn’t helped to make me feel any less crazy, especially starting with Legion’s departure as a free-fall from the open side of the shuttle hatch.  Tali had echoed my more hidden concerns about entering the Geth Consensus by _Direct Virtual Interface_ aloud and Garrus had tried to ease the tension by bantering.  While it was heartwarming, I couldn’t convince myself to meet his eyes, still scared of what I would find there.  But I could feel them on me as we passed by already decommissioned Geth and I couldn’t help that it was a comfort, even after Legion had hooked me in.  Somehow, even from inside the Consensus Interface I could still feel him watching my six, just how he always had before.  And, just like always, it gave me the determination I needed to push forward, even if it was false hope that placed it there.

What I learned in there opened my eyes about both the Geth and the ancient Quarians, and what it was that truly started their war.  It hurt that we had to destroy them, only trying to defend themselves from their creators’ actions, but it also gave me knew hope for a possible piece between their people.  Maybe even potential hope for the galaxy.  Stepping out of the interface module Legion had connected me to, Garrus was once against the first thing I saw.

“Shepard.  You alright?”  Those words were even more reassuring to me, proving that I had at least his friendship, even if he _did_ think I was crazy.  It was another moment I could steal for myself, before regaining my composure and returning to the mission at hand.

We’d eliminated the immediate threat, to us and the Quarian fleet, and even gained some big, badass Geth Primes to boot.  All-in-all a good day for both of the war efforts.  But the one that followed… wasn’t.  We landed again on Rannoch, this time to get under their jamming towers and target the Reaper base that still controlled a large number of the Geth.  Those Geth were still attacking the main Quarian Fleet and dividing our forces for the war we should have been fighting.  We had no choice but to take them out and we moved towards the main point of the signal, using a hand-held guiding laser to mark the target for Normandy’s bombing run.

The resulting explosion shook the floor out from under me, sending me crashing down to the main level.  The damage was minor, brushing off the dirt and debris, but my heart almost stopped at the sound of a Reaper crawling its way out of the new hole we’d formed in the base.  It was the worst of our fears, towering higher over us than any of the buildings, and no way to fight it from so close.  Making a mad dash for Legion, pulling up nearby with transportation just as he had of the dreadnought.  He took us full-throttle out of the structure and onto the open planes of Rannoch, but outrunning such a large machine would be impossible.  Calling for support from the Fleet, a solid strike inflicted some damage.  But it only knocked it down… not out.  As long as it was still functioning, the battle overhead would continue and lives on both sides would be lost.

Communicating with EDI had the entire fleet linking in to the Normandy’s firing system, waiting for me to mark their target.  It was remarkably similar to playing chicken on the tractors back on Mindoir, waiting until the last moment to duck out of its targeting sight and mark its firing chamber as it opened long enough for the Fleet to get off a shot.  Yet the damn thing kept coming; it kept moving closer, forcing me to move faster, in tighter patterns, waiting as long as possible to get the best shot.

It was practically on top of me, my hair coming loose in chunks and dirt crammed into every crevice on my armor.  A final shot from every armory in the Fleet took it to the ground, large pieces hanging off and its targeting light flickered, dying slowly.  But even then, as I made sure it was down permanently, it tried to intimidate and claim impending victory.  As if responding to its final taunts of chaos and its continuing cycle, its solution to us, the Quarians tried to take advantage of the suddenly silent Geth.  No longer under Reaper control, they had stopped fighting, and now the Quarian Admiral were planning to wipe them out.

To defend his people from extinction, Legion began an upload of his own Reaper upgrades, free from the control of the Reaper itself, to allow the Geth the option of survival and independence.  Tali tried to call off the Fleet’s attack, but they did not want to listen, insistent upon upholding their entire history and fighting the Geth to extinction.  It took my warning of the Geth about to return to full power for them to even hesitate, so I jumped at the opportunity.

“The Geth don’t want to fight you.  If you can believe that, for just one minutes, this war will be over.”

Miraculously, the fleet stood down and the fighting finally stopped.  For the first time in centuries, the skies over Rannoch were peaceful.  And yet, it was still not without sacrifice.

“Direct personality dissemination is required.  Shepard-Commander, I must got to them.  I’m… I’m sorry.”  He made peace, and sacrificed himself so that the Geth could be a true race and live side-by-side with their Creators, the Quarians.  They even volunteered to assist in their reintegration to the planet, considering of course that we won the _other_ war we were still in the middle of fighting.  And the Geth remembered that promise as well, preparing to send us even more assistance as we readied to leave the planet’s surface.

It was a pleasant surprise that Tali remained with us, wanting to do her part as well for the galaxy, but the shuttle ride back to the Normandy was still silent with mourning.  And now I found myself once again under the shower faucet, another friend lost in the efforts of peace and our continued existence.  But this time, there was no Turian that came to comfort me, to try and help ease the suffering as he had after Tuchanka.  What hope I could afford would have to be directed towards further efforts, no time for personal worries when the Asari Councilor had requested our presence on the Citadel.

Joker had set course immediately and we were mere hours away.  Hours that insisted on torturing me with broken sleep and constant nightmares until I couldn’t try any more.  Heading down to the Mess Hall, I found Tali and Garrus gathered there, mourning and celebrating Legion and his victory in their own way.  Upon seeing me, they both insistent I join them, pressing a drink into my hands as I sat.  We each shared our stories, laughing over miscommunications, literal interpretations, and the confusions they had caused.  Into my drink enough to forego some inhibitions, I couldn’t help laughing as I remembered another one.

“What about when he tried to help you with your Calibrations, Garrus.  You had exceeded his _possible threshold_ and he couldn’t get you to tell him how!  _Always hold some back for emergencies_.  Which, of course, prompted him to ask if it _was_ an emergency!”  It was only when he didn’t continue with his own responding quip that I realized I was laughing alone.  Looking back up from my glass I found both of them staring at me, that same surprised confusion on Garrus’ face and Tali’s mask unreadable.  I was about ask what was wrong when I realized my mistake once again, at not likely being present for that conversation either.  Clearing my throat and setting down the mostly empty glass, I pushed away from the table.  “That’s probably enough for me.  You two enjoy yourselves, alright.”  I walked away before I could make a bigger fool of myself.

Add to all of this the Prothean secrets that the Asari had been hiding, only now revealed to us when it was their own planet in danger; it did not leave me in the most gracious of moods.  And of course it was then that Kaidan chose to confront me, once again outside the docking hanger as I tried to return to my ship.

“Shepard.”

“Not now, Major.”

“ _Now_ , Commander.”  His insistence and responding formality caught my attention, my surprise the only thing stopping me from verbally filleting him.  When I didn’t move past him, he took a steadying breath and started.  “You owe me an explanation.”

“Kaidan…”

“No, don’t _Kaidan_ me.  I have the right to know what happened between us.”

I tried not to let my anger get the better of me, but I knew it was not something he would accept either way.  He hadn’t before, when or wherever that had been, and I doubted that would change.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”  The set to his jaw confirmed my suspicions, but before his rage could boil any higher, I interjected again.  “Let’s leave it here, Kaidan.  People change.  What is most important now is protecting this galaxy from the biggest threat it’s ever faced, and saving as many lives as we can in the process.”

His face hardened again, but the anger seemed to slip from his eyes some.  Surprising, given my memories of this particular place and conversation.  “If that is the way you feel…”  His tone was hopeful, but my silence was my answer.  “Then I think it is best if I leave the Normandy.”  My breath caught for just a moment, surprised not only by his decision, but how he said it.  “I can’t waste my time sitting around waiting for you to come back.  I would be doing more good at the Crucible, and I’m sure Hackett would appreciate a Spectre’s authority on hand.”  His tone was not vengeful, it held no spite, and I found myself moved by his understanding.  Not something he had displayed in any of my memories.

With that thought in mind, I gave him a small smile and held out my hand.  His expression matched as he returned the grip, but shifted to a brief sadness before he pulled me into his arms.  “I did love you, Shepard.  But watching you lately has helped me to realize… I would rather you be happy with him, than as lost as you have been.”  A final tightness around me and he was gone fast enough I almost stumbled, moving quickly through the bay with a determination to not look back.

“Shepard?”  I turned again at the confused dual tones, to find Garrus looking from me to Kaidan’s back as he finally moved out of sight.  Of course he would have seen an interaction that was probably the most contradictory to what I’d told him, but after my own blunders I didn’t see any better option than to tell him the simple truth.

“Kaidan is leaving the Normandy.  He’s going to work on the Crucible, so he can feel like he’s actually doing some good.”  My tone was even and I met his sharp blue eyes when he turned back to me in shock.  With a shrug of my shoulders, I gesture back towards our own dock.  “We have a top priority mission.  Let’s get on board.”

Thessia: another disaster, ringing even louder in my ears than the loss of Thane, Mordin _or_ Legion.  Not only had we lost the Prothean VI that could have answered all our question, we had lost it to _Kai Leng_ , and with it lost Thessia itself.  It was difficult to make it out of the ruined temple, let alone off the Reaper infested surface, and upon hearing the news, the Asari Councilor withdrew completely.  The weight of another planet, another race of people hung over my head, and even the knowledge of a tracker on Kai Leng didn’t alleviate that.

It was why I found myself back at my main desk, bent low over data pads full of statistics from yet another surface we had left behind.  We were already in pursuit, but the lack of any additional information as we returned to Horizon only made me feel more useless.  My head buried in my hands, fingers raked back into my hair pulling it slightly from the bun.  I only sat up with a startled gasp when I felt eyes on my back.

Garrus stood inside my door, at the opening to my office just as he had before the Omega 4, wearing his civvies rather than armor and holding a bottle in his hand.  I knew it would be the good stuff, his bragging about it upon our reunion echoing through my mind.  A brief thought wormed across my fears, wondering who it had been intended for in this reality, but he was standing here now and I couldn’t ignore that.  It was his complex simplicity that brought an unbidden smile to my face as he raised the bottle with a nervous flutter of his mandibles.

“I brought wine.”  His very presence made me feel somehow lighter again, but it was followed by a sudden confusion that brought me to my feet.  As if reading my mind, his mandibles fluttered with slight embarrassment.  “EDI let me in.”

“I believed Doctor Chakwas would have approved,” my eyes snapped to the blue orb that had appeared on the console behind him.  “On medical grounds, of course.  Stress relief is of vital importance to your mental health.”

“ _Thank you_ , EDI.”  Her digital form disappeared at the mortified trill in his lower tone.  My own eyes were wide with surprise at her admission, _and_ the fact that he didn’t deny it as his own gaze darted back from the platform to me, a nervous flutter to his mandibles.  I caught him swallowing what must have been a nervous lump in his throat before his looked away again, gaze darting around and eventually landing on the audio pad.

“Don’t bother,” his eyes found mine instantly, looking on the edge of horrified, and I smiled at the familiar self-doubt that we had only just gotten over together.  “It’s loaded with bad club music.  Does nothing for the mood.”  A nervous laugh accompanied a small shake of his head, eyes filled with awe when he met mine again.

“It’s like you’re reading my mind.”  His laugh died down and I could see a thought working through his mind.  It had always been easy for me to tell when he was in detective mode, trying to put all the pieces together.  Now that sharp, calculating stare was turned on me, though at least the edge behind it was softer, almost hopeful.  “Can you tell me what I’m thinking now?”

I looked him over for a moment, and the familiarity struck me once again, exposing him like an open book.  A book I had enjoyed learned how to read, and could only hope I said the right thing to give me another chance at thumbing through it tonight.  Letting my lips turn up in that smile I saved just for him, almost feeling strange after so long, I saw his concentration waver and his breath catch again.

“Flattery isn’t necessary.  If I was a Turian, this would have been easier from the start.”  His mandibles went slack and the bottle almost slipped from his hand, saved only by his quick reflexes gripping it again.  Taking my chance, I stepped out of my office alcove and closed the distance between us, only barely entering his personal space to give him the chance to retreat.  “There is something you want to say.  Don’t worry.  Don’t over think.  Just say it.”

His eyes shifted between mine, subconsciously leaning towards me, but I didn’t move any closer, giving him the chance to regain his wide-eyed bearings.  When he seemed to accept his decision, he straightened back up to his full height, but still did not move away.

“I’ve seen so many things go wrong, Shepard.  This unending war, the people we’ve lost… what happened with you and me before the Collector base.  Not many of them are the kinds of things you get a second chance at.  When people are gone, they tend to stay gone.”  Suddenly his hand was on my reg covered shoulder and the heat of him made my breath escape in a shudder.  “I thought you were gone, Shepard.  You’d come back, but there was some insurmountable barrier that clung between us and I thought I’d lost my only chance.  And yet, since that day you came down to the Battery, babbling nonsense and… telling me you loved me.  I realized that that is exactly what we were given; another chance.  No matter what happened or how it came about, no matter what brought _you_ here, I… I don’t want to waste another moment without you.”

I understood his words at face value, but also on a deeper level; his acceptance of my crazy story, or at least the fact that _I_ believed in it, and some crazy shit I’d been saying seeming to coincide.  But still, the passion I felt in both his tones stalled my breath in my throat, bringing an almost dizzy feeling with it.  Even the first time, when he had been floundering and unsure, his obvious desire and passion paled in comparison to now.  He was jumping straight to the level of intensity I’d felt from him on the Presidium support, asking me with both words and sub vocals if I wanted him and him alone as much as he wanted me.  I wanted to take his larger form into my arms again, as I had become accustom to doing before, but the uncertainty still hidden behind his plates held me still.

Knowing the reasoning for it brought another smile to my face and my hand to the dulling scars on his mandible in a gentle touch; just like that first night together, though my own words were very different now.  “If you believe any of the insanity I feel, know that this _does_ work.”  His mandibles snap out in a sudden and still nervous smile, but his hand shifts from my shoulder towards my neck.  Unlike the cool hardness of his armor, the smooth warmth of his civilian gloves pulls an appreciative sound from deep in my throat, right next to where it touched when they reached skin.  Tilting my head away from his hand in encouragement to continue exploring, the responding deep sound from his own tone promised I wouldn’t be disappointed.

When the pressure disappeared suddenly, I waited patiently while resisting the urge to move towards him.  Rewarded again, I let out another sound, one he’d always enjoyed before, when the warmth of his leathery palm wrapped around the side and around to the back of my neck.  Had I actually forgotten just how much larger his hands were, and the pressure of the filed points to each of his talons?  My loose hair caught and dragged a little as he shifted his hold and I felt his body both relax and tense at the same time.

Then I did move closer, watching him from the corner of my view as all his focus shifted to the small strands he was moving with his two long fingers.  I moved my other arm up, reaching my hand back for the tie without disrupting his amazement, and pulled it free of my hair.  His breath stopped for a moment as it tumbled down over his hand, the ends brushing against my waistline.

Regaining some control over himself, he suddenly reached both hands up and took hold of a few small clumps, feeling the texture between his fingers and pulling slightly as his talons combed through it.  It was so similar to our first time together that it took effort not to laugh, but the smile I let slide across my face seemed to encourage him further.

“When I was up here last time…” his voice broke for a moment and I knew he was remembering the bad parting, same as I was.  “After I left I realized it had been down.”  His voice shifted quickly from the pain to an awe.  “I’ve always wanted to touch it, to see what it felt like.”  I shrugged a shoulder questioningly and he finally meets my eyes again, understanding the gesture.  “It’s almost like water, slipping through my fingers, yet it clings a little like fabric.”  His eyes shifted again and his quiet voice whispering “amazing” sends a shiver from the base of my skull to the bottom of my spine.  Mixed with the slight pulling on my scalp and instinct takes over for a moment.


	4. Chapter 4

In the next instant I realized yet another mistake as his mandibles shoot straight out in surprise, mouth plates shocked and unresponsive against my more flexible lips.  While it still had the familiar feeling of kissing a slightly flexible rock, the rush of his warm breath that he releases as I pull back and drop down from high on my toes, reminds me how much I’d always enjoyed it.

“Sorry.”  I realized my own breath is coming out in shallow gasps so close to his nasal plates, but I press on anyway.  “Guess I got a little ahead of myself there.”  His mandibles finally snap back to the sides of his face and instantly he’s bending slightly to my level and pressing his harder plates back into my mouth.  It had taken us some time to reach that point before, not something Turians usually engaged in, but once again his passions were paling all of the memories that were currently coming to mind.  I wanted to take it slow for him, but he was making that increasingly difficult as his hands dropped from my hair to my waist and yanked me up harshly into his own hips.

Back up on my tip toes, his grip tightening on me, I can’t help but let out another moan.  His own deeper, happy trilling follows and I decide to go for it, letting my tongue brush against his plating as he pressed back at me.  He went still again, but not for nearly as long, quickly following my lead and stealing what little breath I could hang on to.  But for all his vigor, his hands still clutched uncertainly at my hips, not the faintest idea of where he _should_ be touching me, let alone afraid where he wanted to would hurt me.  It had taken careful guidance the first time, and I was more than happy to supply it again, if he wanted.

With that thought forefront in my mind, I finally broke the contact and turned to rub my cheek and jaw bone against his scarred mandible.  It allowed me to catch my breath, as well as imitate a Turians movements as best I could.  The stutter in his lower rumble sounded his own approve, but it jumped slightly higher in pitch when my own hands suddenly came to rest on his own thinly covered waist.  His gripped on me tightened even further, but still stayed where they were, so I leaned back in the circle of his arms and looked up at his icy blue eyes.

“I…”  His tones struggled to catch up with his body language, not wanting to put voice to his problem.  “I’m not sure what…”

I moved one of my hands from his waist to his mandible again, silencing his worries.  “There is nothing you can do that will hurt me.”  I saw the doubt in his eyes, so I put my offer out in the open.  “But if you want, I’ll drive first.”

Instantly he softened as the humor returned.  “I’m not a Mako, you know.”

“Oh, don’t worry.  I won’t go that hard on you your first time.”  His hands gripped and his tones growled before his mouth plates were pressed harshly back against mine.  It wasn’t the practiced form we had discovered together, but creating it anew was more trilling than I’d thought it would be as he seemed to cling desperately to me.  Even as my hands moved towards the closures of his tunic, it was only a slight tremble of his own that betrayed his unease.  But I kept my movements slow and measured, easing him into it as the fabric loosened around him.

A grunt separated us when my bare hands found the smoother curve of his waist, my softer skin catching slightly on his leather-like hide and small pieces of plating scattered throughout the more flexible part of his torso. He bent his head down to mine, panting in his breath as he grasped his body’s positive response.  It had been uncertain our first time, learning what worked, what didn’t and finding that we could still fuel each other’s passions with our differences, but I had the unfair advantage now.  His eyes found mine again with a pleased sort of surprise and a growing heat that was even more desperate and familiar.

Letting go of me for a moment, he removed the last of his tunic from his shoulder and dropped it on the floor behind him.  It had been an awkward moment before, making sure that the other was not too… unappealing physically.  But, again, we both seemed past that stage as my finger started the trail upwards, pressing back against the edges of his rock and bone textured plates as they expanded slightly with his heavy breaths.  Careful not to get pinched between their subtle movements, remembering how much more they expanded _after_ our exercises, I rounded over the low but protruding front edge of his carapace and back into the rough texture of his hide.  Sparse plating was thinner here as well, the leather hide giving his neck and head range of motion, which he used as he reacted to my touch.

His muscles were fluttering beneath the surface, as well as his mandibles, and he craned his head around to try and lead me towards were he wanted me to touch next.  Remembering what he liked, I pushed ahead of his movements and crept up the edge of scale-layered plates on the back of his head and up under his long, pointed fringe.  It protected the back of his head and his brain, but it had another secret that not many outside of the species knew.  A purr was building the higher I went, doing enough of its job that I felt the harder spikes of the rock-bone starting to loosen and lift.  Without guidance, I drove underneath as soon as my fingers would fit and pressed into the hide there, almost as smooth and sensitive as my own skin.

As I’d hoped, his response was instant and positive; a loud growl vibrated the air around me, encouraging my own heart to start pounding in my chest.  His fingers gripped back at my waist to the point of possibly bruising, and he pressed his body roughly against my own, almost knocking us to the floor.  But I didn’t let up, reveling in the sounds I never thought I would hear again, and pressed back as I leaned in and pressed my lips against the front of his neck.

“Sh… Shepard, I need…” another growl broke his thoughts as I let my teeth graze against his hide, but his hands clenching rhythmically and pulling on my own clothes told me _what_ he needed.  Without stopping my mouth or my fingers, I shifted my other hand to one of his and guided him to the clasp of my pants.  He fumbled, both from distraction and lack of familiarity, but when the material sprang apart, he put both his hands back on my hips and pushed me away.

But I didn’t give him the opportunity to continue, slipping easily back within the circle of his arms and attacking the clasps of his own pants.  He tried to grip me and push back again, but I knew that I had far more experience than he did and I didn’t want him to worry.  It worked, and we found each other attractive in our own ways, but we were still strange, especially from his very limited familiarity.  When I moved the fabric away from his flared hips, he stopped pushing, letting me drop to my knees and continue working them away from his legs and reversed knees.  He tried to stutter something when I reached his spurs, but gave up gratefully when I removed them with as much ease as the rest.  He was even surprised when the clasps on his civ boots fell away and he stepped free of them.

Unfortunately, his hastily placed step landed on his tunic and he staggered back as he lost the footing.  I stood quickly, but he had already braced a hand back against the fish tank to steady himself, the other reached toward me in a halting gesture as he tried to catch his breath.  I could see his muscles spasming slightly, sending the intensity I knew it caused both up his spine and down to his newly reveled pelvic plates, still shut but not as tightly.

“W-wait!  I need you… to slow down.”  His tone was desperate, but not uncomfortable.  No, he was suggesting that I was doing my part _too_ well, and it brought another smile to my face.  Mandibles fluttering in response, his increasingly hot eyes started traveling down across my still fully clothed form.  While I could see his uncertainty, there was also determination, and it brought heat to every part of me his eyes traveled over.  Complying with his silent request, I took hold of my regulation top and lifted it slowly over my own head, giving him a chance to absorb the look of me piece by piece.  And maybe part of it was the tease it had given him when he had known my smoother curves better.

When the fabric slid over my head and my hair fell loose again, I wasn’t surprised to see his gaze on my waist, the open clasp on my pants barely clinging to my hips.  Thrusting one of them out to the side, I saw his eyes follow as I pushed the material down.  When my muscles tapered again it fell away, leaving me in nothing but my plain black underwear, matching sports bra, and the piled fabric around my ankles.  I couldn’t help but feel a little nervous; even though he knew my story from Mindoir and, as Kaidan had said, seen the resulting scars.  While they were mere shadows now, only an orange glow left over from Cerberus’ handy-work, he would not have seen all of the ones on my legs if we had never been intimate here.

To my pleasant surprise, the rumble returned just as loud as before, despite my unnatural glow, and he pushed away from the tank, stepping over our piled clothes to reach me.  Before I could move or say anything, his hands were back at my waist, brushing over the long split on my side that I’d first earned from the Thresher Maw on Akuze.  His touch radiated heat into my skin, melting away my insecurities as he tried to surmount his own.  Suddenly gripping just below my ribs, positioned similar to his own waist and chest-plating, he lifted me and let the material fall away from my feet.  My face instantly heated up as I let out a surprised noise, dangerously close to a squeak, and his mandibles flared out in a very large Turian grin.

Wanting to wipe it off his face, and his strength holding me high enough, I lifted my feet up and threw them over his jutting hips.  Using his surprise and the leverage, I pull myself close and settled my legs around his waist, providing extra stimulation to the sensitive area as I held on to him.  His hands tightened at my sides, both in excitement and possibly fear of dropping me, but his balance held.  It was not a position we could do anything but tease in, the length of my thighs allowing me to hang too low and my muscles too dense to give him access between them, but it was still worth it for his expression.

“Still want me to go slower?”

At first I thought the low growl would be my only response, but he managed to find his voice after a few more deep breaths.  “You certainly know what you’re doing, Shepard.  But I won’t just sit back.”  His gaze softened slightly and his head leaned forward to rest against my own, a familiar gesture often done between both casual and more serious couples.  It allowed them to scent each other better, increasing their own excitement when they were in the mood, but it also added another level of intimacy even for me.  My own snarky comment was lost as I appreciated the small moment I would never take for granted again.  “You’ll have to show me.”

His tones still held some uncertainty, but were also hopeful and heated, bringing another warm smile to my face.  Keeping my forehead pressed against his, I glanced sideways at the bed.  Icy blue following for a brief moment, his mandibles flared out and he thrust me higher in his grip before turning in that direction.  My pulse was thumping harder and his hands flexed apprehensively on my hips, but his steps were sure and gaining confidence as he descended the small stairs.

With no more obstructions between us and the softer landing, I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck and pressed my lips back against his textured mouth plating.  He returned the pressure again, learning just as quickly as before, but he almost stumbled when I let myself moan against him .  His grip tightened and so did mine around his waist, causing him to moan and growl softly as well, the vibrations making my lips tingle.  Ignoring any rationale, I moved my fingers back up under his still lifted fringe and pressed even harder than before.

His head threw back and his grip faltered, my own tightening on instinct and bringing him down with me as I fell.  But his long stride had brought us close enough that we landed on the edge of the bed, his hard plating slamming down between my hips and crushing against me.  I gasped for breath, feeling the heat instantly pulse through my whole body as my nails tried to find purchase on his naturally armored shoulders.

“Shepard, are you alright?”  I knew he was concerned about hurting me, but I wasn’t able to form words, let alone complex thoughts.  It had been far too long, and for most of that I’d thought we’d never be together again.  So, instead of trying, I put all of my pleading into my eyes, locking them with his worried ones, and thrust my hips back up against his.  It wouldn’t do much, his own plates still shut over him, but with his responding growl I could have sworn I felt them shifting.  “Tell me.”

As much as I wanted to answer, knowing it would help him to get over his fear and uncertainty, I can’t think beyond getting him inside of me.  Reaching out and taking both of his hands, I shove them along my hips and inside the band of my boyshorts.  Ever the detective and problem-solver, it only takes him a glance to see the best way of removing them.  But he’s slow about it as he moves off the bed and my sudden worry is sobering.  Are the scars too much?  Is my anatomy too strange?  I’d felt the same things the first time and I wracked my brain trying to remember how we’d gotten through it, when I felt something all too familiar instead.

The smooth plating of his forehead as he bent over and pressed it gently between my hips, just above the fabric line, and then his hands started to move.  As the elastic fabric bunched and slowly revealed my skin, I heard his breath suck in before it rushed back out, hot and striking against the increasingly damp fabric.  A fist wound its way into the sheets beneath me as I remember the scenting he’d done our second time together, too uncertain and unwilling to mess up our first.  My other hand desperately tried to get back under his fringe, mimicking the intense passion he was displaying so suddenly again, but the angle was impossible for my shorter fingers.  I groaned slightly in frustration, but it rushed out again as another breath ghosted over more exposed flesh between my hips.

Finally slipping free, I gasped again and felt my face catching fire as he pulled back slightly.  His eyes would be right at the level, seeing everything he wouldn’t recognize.  _Spirits_ , don’t let him get too nervous now!  His hands stuttered, but they quickly continued down my legs and dropped the small fabric off the other edge of the bed.  I immediately wanted to close my knees and cover myself, but his own body was between them again and I can feel his eyes staring.

The outer mechanics weren’t that different, from what I’d read, except that I had softer skin instead of hard plating.  With my excitement and current position I would be open for him already, not needing any coaxing, but I wasn’t sure how to go about explaining that this time; not sure what _research_ he had done before deciding to come up here.

I could feel my skin growing hotter and redder with embarrassment, even though it was only a short minute that felt so interminably long.  And before I could think of _anything_ to say, all thought was wiped out by his curious fingers.  It had taken careful guidance of his hand after an almost embarrassing biology lesson before I’d felt his rough pads brushing against the drenched skin they now slid over, following my curve as I arched upwards.  With no fear or uncertainty I could sense, he drew them closer to the center and pressed harder, surprising himself as they slipped inside with the wet sound.  Turian women didn’t self-lubricate.  It was their men that did, and I moaned as his fingers reminded me of the almost tingling sensation it had caused the first time.

He didn’t stay long, pulling my gaze back down to him and withdrew as he rose to full height, looking down over me with a vigorous passion.  My own gaze traveled down to find it mirrored in the same pale-blue organ I remembered, sliding free from his plates.  I knew they didn’t like to wait long before sheathing it somewhere again, due to higher radiation on Palaven, so I turned my legs around and rose to my knees on the edge of the bed.

The motion drew his gaze down, and I could see the marvel as he eyed the bend of my legs, going a different direction than his own could, but his hands were also drawn to something biologically different.  Ghosting across my sports bra, he seemed to circle it, trying to find an easy way of removing it.  Placing my own on top of his, I gently pushed them away from the material, just smiling at his confusion.  Breast were not something Turian women had and I found it easier to hold off on another biology lesson during this more heated moment.

Instead I left his hands at my waist before turning in his loose grasp to face away from him, pulling my hair off my shoulder to fully expose my back to him.  His growl had instantly stopped and the silence was almost eerie as I leaned forward on my own hands.  It was almost more uncomfortable that when he’s been staring at me from the front, but I knew it was the most natural position for his knees, as well as his race.  Glancing over my shoulder I found his staring trying to stay high and his hands left hanging in the air between us just as apprehensively.  I tried for a smile, wanting to express what was left of my confidence, and deciding once again to try for the truth.

“This was the position we liked and worked the best.”

His eyes met mine, but they showed no surprise by my statement, only a growing concern as he held his mandibles tight to his face.  I start to sit back up, growing more fearful as he hesitates to touch me at all.  Finally he seems to find his voice, though he still keeps his hands firmly away from my sides.  “Won’t this be harder… emotionally… for you?”  My brow wrinkles in confusion, trying to understand what he could mean when it hits me.  _Detective_.  Whether or not he’d physically been with someone who’d been raped before, he had enough experience dealing with their situations, and knowing the more specifics of my own.  He was worried that it would cause me discomfort because of what had happened so long ago on Mindoir and didn’t want to mar our experience together.  Like it had my first time with Kaidan.

The realization almost brought happy tears to my eyes, but I held them at bay for fear of scaring him off entirely.  Instead I smiled, rising back up to my knees and twisting my shoulder back to look at him more directly.  While it had been a motion that always got him stirring, and I could see it even now as his member was trying to recede again, it also allowed me to rest a hand on his dulled scars once again.  His eyes slid up my from my waist, probably a little slower than he’d intended, but his argument died when he found my own again.

“Not with you, Garrus.  Never with you.”  First it was realization, then it was raw heat as the icy blue narrowed in on me again.  I caught sight of his member sliding all the way back out, even faster than just moments ago, before his body crashed back against mine.  His large hands held either side of my head, tangling slightly in my hair and kept me from falling as his mouth plates surged against my softer lips, already bruising and bringing blood up under the surface.  When he was certain of my balance, those hands slid free and down to wrap around my waist, feeling it twist and contort farther than his own people’s could.

When he gripped harder it brought fresh moans vibrating though both of us, meeting together and filling the space and our minds.  That was until his larger, stronger hands twisted me back around, moving up under my hair to my shoulders and pushing me away from him.  Falling back to my hands and knees, there was still nothing that could stop me from being ready for him.  His heat brushed against the skin of my thigh and I moaned out again, sliding my knees farther apart and forgetting about any further embarrassment.

Almost like a reward, I felt that heat move up and press against the outside, making me tingle again with the sensation, but it wasn’t enough for either of us.  Leaning away from his grip, as little as he would allow me, the heat dragged backward and up, finally settling where my own was wet and parting.  The shared heat brought another mutual moan to the surface, but I managed to push past it, to give him the final boost of confidence he needed.

“Right there, Garrus.  I’m ready!”

It was hard to tell if he heard me, or if it was his own lust and instinct that drove him forward.  The sudden rush of familiar but unexpected friction sent the air rushing from my lungs and the strength from my own arms supporting me.  My top half fell back down onto the bed, cheek bouncing slightly against the sheets as my hair fanned out around me.  His grip had tightened on my hip and my own did the same on the softer material beneath me.  While I knew the reaction would be unexpected, I couldn’t stop the loud, deep cry from ringing out, even through the muffling of the sheets.

His tip was smaller, tapered down to allow easier access into their plated females, but it grew wider almost to the point of discomfort at the base and he was already over half way in.  The ovular shape also took some adjusting to, my muscles trying to grip all the way around and feeling empty as well as stretched.  But it was exactly what I remembered, even the hint of small bumps around the base, that research had told me used to be cat-like barbs to lock them together, to help insure pregnancy when their species was younger.  Thankfully, evolution had been kind in that respect, making it more of a stimulation than something painful.  But it was also clear to me that none of my thoughts were translating through the long moments of silence, where I could feel his sense of fear building.

Before he could even regain himself enough to ask, I find enough strength to reach a hand back and grab one of his armored thighs.  Getting my nails enough into the edges to successfully pull him forward, deepening his rough penetration and moaning out a little softer, but still just as appreciatively.  His answering growl told me the message was received, and the ghosting vibrations of it passing into my body was almost enough to make me lose any remaining brain power.

Hands renewing their grip on the bones of my hips, he snapped forward and sank the rest of himself inside me.  My breath was sharp as I stretched and felt the sharp protrusions of his own hips bump against the outside of mine, but is came rushing back out as an almost sobbed moan.  I could finally let go of the fear I hadn’t realized I still clung to, that I would never have this closeness with him again… that we would never be where we were and meant what we did to each other.

A shift and the feeling of his forehead-plating pressing softly against my spine seemed to emulate the same emotions; the impossible was merely improbably and we were here, together like this.  _Finally_.  Then the moment shifted, instead of breaking, as one of his hands slid from my hips up to my waist and wrapped around me.  Fingers splaying across my stomach, he pressed as gently as his limbs seemed to allow and lifted me back up and against his carapace.  As I rose his head brushed higher with me, until it grazed against an exposed bundle of orange slices in my skin-weave.  It was the only remains of an ancient Batarian bite that had only barely been improved by Cerberus.

I can’t help gasping for breath against the sensation, but the sound is drowned by the growing growl and purr that is battering against my ears.  As his head moves even higher to nudge and nuzzle against my own, his hips do the same, thrusting me up to receive the attention as my torso is somewhat shorter than his own.  My breath sucks in again when his hips pull away, but I don’t hold back the moan as they snap forward again.  And, while one of my hands is trying to reach the bed, I feel like I am floating with and against him as his hands fully support my body; even as he is leaning over me.  Turian strength, as well as stamina!

My other hand gave up trying to find purchase on the bed, or trying to untangle my hair from his mandibles as he burrows further into it, and raised up and over me.  Feeling my way across the familiar terrain, I slide back up and under his fringe, digging harshly back underneath the lifted plating.  He spasms inside of me and I arch my back, giving him more depth and less friction of his carapace against my back and spine.  This time, when I cry out in mounting pleasure, he doesn’t hesitate to thrust again.  And, just as I remembered, it allows him to crash like the Mako he’d mentioned earlier into the bundle of nerves even deeper inside of me.  My moan is more of a cry again and it only take another few strokes before my insides are spasming around him with my first orgasm.

A surprised grunt is his initial response, hands suddenly grasping for a new grip and finding none of the sturdy plating he is searching for.  Instead the hands that had been on my stomach moved up and latched onto the top hem of my sports bra, bunching it up and giving him the added leverage that a Turian female’s own carapace might have.  It pulls on my shoulders, but the pressure of the material squeezing them is more than enough to stimulate and harden another piece of my own anatomy that they didn’t have.

Even as he continues to thrust into me, not letting my quivering muscles regain any sense of control, he seems to notice the change.  His other hand, having found purchase against my thigh by digging his dulled talons into the thick muscle, loosened its grip and slid up to investigate.  Even though the fabric I could feel the rough texture of leather-like calluses rolling against the almost rock hard flesh.  While I may never admit to the needy whimper that escaped my mouth as my own teeth bit into my lip, I was thankful that it seemed universal enough for him to understand.  Pulling back down for a moment, both of his hands slid under the fabric of my bra and gripped hard against my more malleable flesh, making sure to pinch the hard tips between his bone-hard fingers.

While he doesn’t know how to message them, another thing that had taken some uncomfortable lessons to master, his tight grip and constant stimulation, compounded with the driving force still spearing into me is more than enough.  I can barely use my brain enough to continue clawing at the sensitive hide under his fringe as sheer drive takes over the rest of my functions.  I know I’m thrusting back against him, not caring if his carapace scrapes at my back, and not bothering to control my voice.  Though, thankfully, he only seems encouraged by my vocal approval for his continued efforts, almost roaring outright when I constrict around him again.

Even if all of what covers me in a skin-weave, I can still feel the chaffing starting to form on my backside, and bruises popping up everywhere from my thighs to my shoulders.  When I lose my breath and control over my spasming center yet again, I can feel him start to slow down.  But I know he hasn’t climaxed yet, or even come close to running out of energy; my legs are just shaking too badly to keep me upright, even in his tight grip.  Turning my head to the side, so that I can see his unspoken question, I smile and shake my head, not willing to stop yet.

“Just give me a second.”  His grip loosens and somehow I manage to crawl up to the head of the bed.  Retrieving the pillows stacked there, I lay them out almost like a small platform and turn myself back around.  Avoiding his eyes for the moment, so I don’t grow too embarrassed to follow through, I situation myself beneath him and on top of the pile, bringing my shoulders up and my hips even higher.  Hooking one of my feet back into his hip-spur, I finally meet his eyes as we face each other, and it only takes another slight pull for him to understand.

One hands slides up my raised thigh, finding my dripping center again before he thrusts down and back home.  My other leg instantly moves out to allow him room, knowing it is harder to get as close in this position, but the friction still manages to hit us both in the right places.  The surprise in his eyes is hidden behind the layers of lust, heat and hunger driving him now, and it disappears entirely when I wrap my arms back around his neck, returning my fingers to his hide.  Now I can watch his mandibles flare as he growls, loving the Turian’s version of moaning even _before_ the vibrations reach me.

While one of his hands braces himself over me, his other grows bold again and returns to my own chest, taking hold of my breast again and squeezing as he did before.  It was stranger now, not something needed for support, and I could see his concern when his talons pressed deeply into the softer skin.  Letting one of my hands slide back down, I joined his and tried to show him, in the midst of our lust addled minds, how to hold it properly.  It wasn’t surprising, or even much of a disappointment when it didn’t seem to work well, but he was still determined as he brought his thumb and finger to the raised center and pinched again.

His expression was all too pleased when I jumped against him, sliding onto his thrust more harshly than planned, and making me cry out again.  So I decided to fight back, surging up at the same time as yanking him down and covering his mouth with my own again.  As I had hoped, it broke his rhythm and he tried to split his focus between the two actions, a growl surfacing when I couldn’t help laughing against his mouth.  But when his hands both dropped to my hips, like he was preparing for a particularly brutal thrust, I put all my strength into squeezing against his member.

Pulled slightly out of me, it seemed to hit that more sensitive spot on the underside that I had found on my own exploration, and pulled something more like a human moan from his rapidly flaring mandibles.  “Do… do _that_ again!”  I smiled even wider at the familiar phrase, waiting till he withdrew to the same place and squeezed as requested.  I didn’t care that my smugness evaporated as he thrust through it and buried his face against the side of mine, burrowing into my hair again.  His gasping breath tickled my neck and I wrapped both my arms around him, responding in similar fashion.

It was a more rapid rhythm now, seeming on the edge of desperate as we clung to each other.  The fact that his feet were still on the floor and he could so easily maintain his height and balance in this position still surprised me.  But there was no room for comment, and hardly any for breath as his grip tightened.  Turning my head to press my cheek against his again, I used another piece of ammunition I had learned.

“Garrus!”  It was a breathy moan that caught him completely by surprise, talking not something Turians needed to do with their multiple tones.  But, unable to mimic those with my own voice, we had found that calling or moaning his name was almost as irresistible to him.  And I was thankful that it still worked here, his hips snapping forward as his grip urged me back down to meet him as all but one part of him froze.  He twitched and spasmed inside, filling me with heat and that tingling sensation his orgasms always brought ripping another one from me as well.

But when I catch my breath again, he’s still holding steady, not moving or retreating.  The first time it had been hard to understand why, but a quick biology lesson of both their sexes had been all the explanation I needed.  Pushing past the pleasant burn, I squeezed another surprised grunt out of him, shifting so his wide eyes met mine.

“We don’t lock down.  You can keep going whenever you want.”  His brow plates lifted, looking doubtful for a moment before trying an experimental thrust.  It brought out a cry of pleasure, still sensitive even if we didn’t have plate that held our males in place like they did, and his growl returned to full resounding force again.  All I could do was hold on for the ride as he started thrusting again, just as hard as he had been before.  I was already cumming again as his hands tried to find purchase anywhere on my skin.  Reaching down with a slightly trembling hand, I guided one of his own to my thigh, encouraging him to lift it higher and push it outward.  It took some of the pressure off his waist but opened me up further for his hard thrusts.

His talons dug in slightly as we both cried out, growing even more vigorous as his name spilled out in a litany of encouragement.  Shoulders trembling as he ground into me harder, I felt his head turn towards me.  Mandibles flaring, his breath gasped inward before me he moan out.  “Shepard!”

I whimpered again, sliding one hand back up under his fringe as the other moved to his waist.  His breath turned into a roar and I squeeze and rake my nails across his hide, a deafening as much as urging sound that drove us both head long into another combined orgasm.  I’d lost count of my own at this point, focusing more on him and his own enjoyment.  But I could feel his thrusts starting to stagger, even if he was still hard as steal inside me.

Letting up from under his fringe, I push softly against his shoulder, silently asking him to meet my eyes again.  When he does, propping up on his own shaky arms, I can see his want to continue plain.  But I only smile in response, letting him know I wasn’t done with him just yet either.  His own look is uncertain, but his mandibles flutter back as he watched me move beneath him.

Pulling one of the pillow from beneath my shoulders, I throw it to our side and up a little higher on the bed.  Dropping back down to the sheets, my high hips give me the leverage I need to force him over.  The pillows beneath me protects his spur from snapping or piercing the bed, and his elbows save his fringe from doing the same.  Following through, without moving far enough away to let him slip out of me, I settle above his waist and pelvic plates and let myself slide back down on him.

He growls again and his hands start twitching, trying to reach out and touch me without dropping his head down and putting uncomfortable friction on his fringe.  Nodding upwards, he follows the gesture and sees the pillow I’d placed, mandibles flicking out in another wide smile.  Lifting his feet onto the bed and pushing with his hands and heals, he gets himself up high enough to lay back on the pillow, managing to thrust up into me at the same time.

When he settled himself, I dropped my own hands to his carapace and ground my hips down against his, offering a different kind of friction than his hard thrusting had.  But the movement had also pushed my breasts together, showing their strain against the abuse fabric that still held them.  After his eyes, his hands followed, lifting the material again for his talons to slide back under. I paused my motion for a moment before decided to go all in, grabbing the fabric and pulling it over my head.

In short order, he took hold of them, watching with a curious fascination as the skin molded to his touch without hardly any effort.  Expect for when he brushed the hard peaks in the center, making my breath suck in again.  With little effort, he arched up and pressed his head against the sweat sheened skin, scenting again and dragging his rough plates across the sensitive apex.  My nails scraped against the plating on his shoulders as my hips ground against his as best they could in that position.  The breath from his growl ghosted over them just before it was followed by a sponge texture that I knew was his tongue.

A louder cry rose from my shoulder as I surged up towards the touch, and then sat back down, mimicking his own thrusts.  Sharp plating scraped the skin as he growled and pitched against me, one of his hands dropping to my waist to encourage the movement, setting us into yet another new rhythm.

When the sensation was growing raw on the tender flesh, already having brought me to yet another orgasm or two, I shifted a hand to his mandibles, guiding his gaze up to meet my own.  As much as my eyes wanted to close in pleasure, I made sure they stayed open and locked with his, at least until we crashed together again.  As I had first suspected, this new and desperate style of kissing was more than pleasant and arousing enough to enwrap me.

His own muscles were tensing again, and I could feel the strength starting to fail both of us, but we continued to push forward until we cried out and came together one last time before collapsing.  It was a mutual understanding that our bodies needed rest, but his member kept spasming within me.  Hands still clenched around my waist, I didn’t trying to roll off him yet, simply laying my head down against his hard carapace and felt his breath beating rapidly against my warm face.  A strong smile filled my body with a different kind of warmth and I pressed closer to him than should have been comfortable.

A low rumble vibrated against my ear as his own arms wrapped around my bare back again, seeming to squeeze me just a little tighter too.  “That went _far_ better than I thought it would.”  My insides tingled again at my close proximity to his voice, but instead I responded with a soft laugh.

“I told you it works.”

His laugh was low and tired, one of his hands rising to stroke against my hair, wet and heavier with clean sweat.  Bending his head for a moment, I felt his plates brush against it as he breathed in again.  He’d told me before that the smell of our pheromones mixed together, two smells that were never thought to ever be entwined, was almost more gratifying to him than the act that had brought it about.  It brought another smile to my face, but I followed by his example and breathed in the scent on his own plates.

I stayed there with him like that, until his harder points pressed too firmly against my softer body.  Rising back up, I braced my hands on either side of his shoulders and rocked forward, sliding off of his still exposed but not as ridged member.  He sighed quietly and let himself finally slide back between his plates and I slipped down onto my hip beside him to watch them close.  They looked so ridged it was always fascinating to see them mold and flex as they did to protect his sensitive flesh.

When they were firmly closed, I moved myself up and dropped down to rest on my elbow over his shoulder, looking down at his pleased and still sated expression.  But as his eyes traveled across my face, they shifted to my cheek that had been resting against his carapace.  His visible concern told me I had a red mark where his long, rough fingers brushed against.  Smiling again, I turned and brushed my lips against his fingers before answering the unspoken question.

“It happens when you have softer skin.  It’ll fade in a few minutes if it’s left alone.”  He looked doubtful again so I brought a hand to his mandibles, bringing his eyes back to mine while he was still too enwrapped and sated to notice any other damage that had been done.  My memories already prepared me for the barrage of worry and need to apply medigel where it wasn’t necessary, so I savored the calm we still had.

I kissed him again, hovering close as I grew more serious.  “I meant it, you know… When I told you I loved you.”

Any mounting concern faded back into a wavering smile from his mandibles.  While he seemed to hesitate, his words were still strong when he finally spoke them.  “I knew you weren’t lying, your body language said so.” One of his hands gestured to where his visor would have been sitting against his eye, before returning to brush my shoulder gently. “I just couldn’t believe it.  It didn’t make any sense.”

Only nodding at first, not sure what else to say, until I finally collected my strange thoughts and voiced them out loud.  “I don’t understand this either, how my memories could be so different from what everyone else remembers about us.  But obviously accurate enough to help us out here!”  We both smiled at that and I was more than grateful for the advantage when we didn’t know just how much time we really had left.  His grip tightening again told me he felt very much the same, while also reassuring me that he didn’t want to let go either.

It built my confidence one more time, to try and talk about one of my most important memories with him.  “I mentioned at the start that we had talked on the Presidium.”  It was only a moment before he nodded, remembering that first confusing encounter.  “We had talked… about us.”  I took one more steadying breath, meeting his eyes again and saying what I could only hope he would still be interested in.  “You had asked me if I was ready to be a one-Turian kind of woman.”  His mandibles flared again, eyes opening wider and watching my expression very closely.  I didn’t know if it was an average relationship question or if it meant anything more, but I knew now what I knew then; whichever it was, my answer was the same.  “When I said yes, I meant that too.  There’s no one else, Garrus.  There hasn’t been for a _long_ time.”

His expression seems frozen for a moment as he stares at me, maybe in disbelief, or simply shock.  It was still a little hard to tell, but I didn’t look away, sticking with my convictions, not willing to lose him again.  Finally his expression broke and I could hear an accusatory annoyance in his dual tones.  “Wait, you mean we could have been doing _this_ from the beginning?!”

He had tried desperately to hide his amusement, but failed miserably and I responded in kind.  No matter what was happening outside this room, our ringing laughter was the best medicinal escape I could ask for.  A hand raising to the back of my head pulled me back in against him, to rest against his own face as he pressed plated lips to my hairline.  His breath was a ghostly whisper, but it was lost in the words I was dying to hear.  “I want nothing more, Charley.”

He was still the only one I’d ever been with that would, or was even allowed to use my given name, and I brought a hand to his scarred mandible again to voice my approval without words.  It was something else I thought I’d never hear again, and it was hard to fight back the happy tears.  They almost broke through when I twisted to kiss him again, feeling his mandibles fluttering through his own smile.  “I’m just so thankful that we’re both here,  _now_.  Back where we belong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first fan-fic I ever finished, I hope you guys like it!  
> There will be a part 2 in the series, posted very soon!


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